Mommy and mama: A same-sex couple’s journey of raising a son together

They say that a mother’s love is like no other. What more if there are two of them in the picture? 

Just ask Meann and Icy, who have always dreamed of having a family of their own someday. 

It was in 2017 when the two first met on an online dating platform. At that point, Meann, an IT professional, had been single for three years, and Icy, who works in advertising, had just gotten out of a long-distance relationship. A shared interest in Harry Potter would help them hit it off with each other almost instantly.

It’s a known feature for dating apps to let you see how near or far your potential match is from you (the closer, the better, right?). Coincidentally, the two had lived just a few blocks away from each other, not knowing that just five years later, they would be living under the same roof with their very own son. 

The long road to pregnancy 

Meann and Icy had long been doting aunts to their nieces and nephews, finding joy in playing with them and helping care for them. As a same-sex couple, though, having a child of their own never really seemed like something within their reach. 

Still, the dream lived on. The two would constantly talk about what it would be like to raise their own kid, but the country’s laws made that difficult for them. In the Philippines, assisted reproductive procedures like in vitro fertilization (IVF) or intrauterine insemination (IUI) — which would give those struggling to conceive naturally a chance at having their own kids — are only available to legally married couples. 

For years, then, motherhood didn’t seem possible for the couple at all. That is, until Icy discovered that the company she was working for at the time was offering fertility support, and LGBTQ+ couples could avail themselves of that benefit, too. Before they knew it, they were on a plane heading to New Jersey for what would become the very beginning of their journey to starting a family. 

They decided on doing IUI, where sperm is inserted into the uterus through a catheter. It’s a lower-cost and much less invasive procedure compared to IVF, and it gave both Icy and Meann a shot at pregnancy.  

Icy’s positive pregnancy test in 2023 would only signal the start of the best years of their lives. That same year, they got married in the US, too. But going through something as life-changing as pregnancy so far away from home wasn’t easy. 

“[During our] stay in the US, there was so much anxiety,” Meann, 39, told Rappler. “Hindi namin sure kung makakabuo ba kami, kasi para mabuo ‘yung baby, cycle siya. Hihintayin mo ‘yung period mo (We weren’t sure if we could form the baby, because it’s a cycle. You need to wait for your period).”

When Icy had finally gotten pregnant with their son, Jacob, they decided it was time to head back home to the Philippines after spending nearly five months in the US. 

“It was scary,” Icy, 39, said about her pregnancy journey. “When we did the sperm donor and the whole process, we had a therapist to prepare us.”

The couple was guided through the pregnancy and was even taught how to explain their unique family to their child in the future. They were told that when the time comes to explain their situation to their kid, they must have a solid story. 

“Dapat kung ano yung story na ‘yun, ‘yun ‘yung parati naming sasabihin kay Jacob. And just tell the truth na he has two moms, and we wanted a kid for a very long time. And nabuo siya out of love, that’s why we asked for help from a donor,“ Icy explained. 

(Whatever that story is, it has to be the one we always tell Jacob. And just tell the truth that he has two moms, and we wanted a kid for a very long time. And he was formed out of love, that’s why we asked for help from a donor.) 

Life with Jacob

In November 2023, their baby boy Jacob was finally born. 

Now, at just a little over 2 years old, Jacob tends to get shy around others. Around his moms, however, he is as expressive as ever and isn’t afraid to bust out a dance move or two and sing whatever he feels. 

Icy and Meann are making it a point to raise him as screen-free as possible. As a result, he’s become a big fan of books, and as early as now, the bookstore has become his favorite place. 

He takes after both his moms in several ways. 

Icy, whom he calls mommy, believes that Jacob’s lively personality comes from her, as someone who grew up being called makulit (playful). Her love for music has spilled over to him, too. Now, he adores musical instruments and loves to sing and listen to his favorite songs. 

But it’s Meann, whom he calls mama, that he gets his introverted side from. “Minsan, ‘pag wala siya sa mood, wala talaga siya sa mood. May sarili siyang mundo minsan (Sometimes, when he isn’t in the mood, he really isn’t in the mood. He has his own world sometimes).”

Beyond seeing bits of themselves in Jacob, it’s getting to experience life through his eyes that has made motherhood such a beautiful experience for Icy and Meann. 

“As a couple, we enjoy each other’s company. We travel a lot. So, mas masaya ngayon na, for example, we go back to Singapore and Hong Kong and see it in a different light. First time kasi [ni Jacob] sa lahat,” they said. 

(As a couple, we enjoy each other’s company. We travel a lot. So, it’s even more fun now that, for example, we go back to Singapore and Hong Kong and see it in a different light. It’s Jacob’s first time to experience everything.)

But the mundane moments make Meann, Icy, and Jacob’s life as a family all the more special. Lying in bed together on a Saturday afternoon, running errands, going to coffee shops on the weekend — these are the memories they wouldn’t ever trade for the world. 

Even then, the couple acknowledges that it’s a big responsibility to have a child, and advises future parents to prepare for it extensively. 

“Hindi biro magkaanak. Kailangan financially stable ka, emotionally and physically also. Kasi ‘yung newborn phase, sobrang hirap. Sabi nga namin, kung may chance lang dati no’ng mas bata pa kami, sana nagawa na namin, kasi ang hirap magpuyat at this age,“ Meann said. 

(Raising a child isn’t a joke. You have to be financially, emotionally, and physically stable. Because the newborn phase is difficult. We’ve said that if only we had the chance to have a kid when we were younger, we would have done it, because it’s difficult to stay up late at this age.) 

Above all, Icy wants same-sex couples to know that there is hope. 

“For [those in] the same-sex community who want to have a family, there’s always a way to do it,” she said. “When we were all born, we all have different stories of how our moms gave birth to us. And at the same time, there are also different stories of these same-sex families on how they went to the path na alam naman natin hindi madali (that we all know it wasn’t easy) to build their own family.”

And when the time does come, these children will be sure to receive and witness love in all its forms. – Rappler.com